Glenn Tilton Appoints Disgraced NFL Athlete Vice President "Employee Experience" at United Airlines

left - Glenn Tilton appears in drag at The Imperial Cabaret in Chicago

CHICAGO--Glenn Tilton, sociopath and CEO of UAL Corp. (UAUA) enraged animal lovers and labor unions alike by announcing Michael Vick would become Vice President of the newly created "Employee Experience" post at the World's No.2 And Most Dysfunctional Airline, effective immediately.

Mr. Vick was indicted in July 2007 on felony charges related to dog fighting and extreme cruelty to animals, as well as flipping the bird at Atlanta area fans. Mr. Vick had already lost his promotional contract with Kraft Foods and the Nike Corporation, and has begun his tenure at United Airlines by giving employees the finger.

"This is an outrage!" shouted Greg Brown, President Local 1782 President, throwing a pile of plastic doggy-do at Glenn Tilton's palatial palace at 77 Wacker Street in downtown Chicago. Meanwhile, Sister McBitter was on the phone with United Airlines spokesperson, Miss Jeany Medina.

"We are pleased to welcome Vice President Vick to the United Executive family, and anticipate a good fit with United's core values," she said. "He brings a wealth of experience in dealing with animals who are loyal by nature," Medina continued. In the background, Glenn Tilton could be heard saying, "yeah and he beats the shit out of 'em too. That sonofabitch Vick didn't even need bankruptcy court to do it either."

"Gimme that goddamned phone, Jean," Glenn Tilton said. "This is really about Corporate Welfare. Corporate welfare's gotten a bad rap. So's Michael Vick but I'll get to that later. Corporate welfare has a bad image what with Bankruptcy Courts that roll over and play dead when it comes to worker's rights, and big tax breaks for big important short men like me who make tons of money. So here at United, we're engaged in a new kind of corporate welfare to hire the un-hirable. We want people like Michael Vick to have a second chance to earn an outrageous salary and behave like an ass. Plus, his attitude's perfect for United, and he'll probably get along with Dolan that airport clown I hired whenever" Tilton exclaimed. "And don't let the media tell you he electrocuted those eighteen dogs. That's just the Vocal Minority. I know because I got the noisy bastards right here at United, too," he concluded.

"Okay, the guy's delusional," said Mike Mancini referring to Glenn Tilton. "But what's with the DreamGirls dress? And is that a four legged bitch biting at his ass?" Mancini asked. Glenn Tilton's last public appearance was at his Wacker Cabaret when he appeared in drag as Effi singing "Ain't No Salary High Enough." "Apparently," said Mike Mancini, "this man [Glenn Tilton] is a drag in more ways than one."

Thus far, Kraft Corporation has discontinued its relationship with Michael Vick, to its credit. Nike Corporations as of this writing on July 19, 2007, still maintains a relationship with Mr. Vick. The Humane Society Of The United States is urging an eMail campaign. Rollover each name for Contact Links, should you wish to thank Kraft, support the Humane Society, or ask Nike to stop. The opinions here are those of Michael Mancini and do not necessarily reflect those of the IAM.